A MAN TRAPPED IN A SOUP CAN, A SPORE AND THE WOODSMAN
A man trapped in a soup can, a spore and the Woodsman were vaporized by a giant laser during the last hole of the golf tournament. So our story now turns to Johnny Appleseed. Johnny planted his apple seeds from Baltimore, Maryland, all the way down to, um…….to, uh…..well, to somewhere not even near Baltimore. That’s how many seeds Johnny Appleseed planted. Why, Johnny planted his apple seeds as far East as, um…..well, as far East as enormous bodies of water would allow him, by golly. And he planted them apple seeds as far West as, uh….well, as far West as where I’m sitting right now. An apple tree just sprouted up through my left foot and I might pass out before I finish my story. But, the point is, I’m just tryin’ to tell ya, that wild-eyed whirlwind was a seed plantin’ son-of-a-gun!
Johnny Appleseed lived in the town of Goodgrappling. “Today’s my day off”, said Johnny. “I think I’ll walk into town.” As Johnny walked, he could hear the moans and screams of several townspeople pinned between the overabundant apple trees.
“Seed, I’ll get you for this!”, screamed one man who looked like he hadn’t eaten in days. “You’re an idiot Seed”, yelled a woman trapped under thousands of fallen apples. “Maybe I’ve gone a little overboard”, Johnny wondered. “Oh well, might as well have fun and not think about it.”
But Johnny Appleseed had to think about it. The problem was staring him right in the face. As johnny started walking into town, he realized he couldn’t even see the town through all the apple trees.
After several hours, Johnny had walked about ten feet when he came across a young boy huddled on top a very small patch of grass. “Get out of my way”, Johnny yelled as he pushed the boy over. Johnny then fell to his knees, pulled a spade out of his leather pouch and started furiously digging in the ground.
“What are you doing?”, cried the frightened child.
“I…..CAN’T…..STOP……PLANTING…..APPLESEEDS!”, stammered Johnny. “I don’t know why, it’s just a compulsion. I’m driven to do it. I think it has something to do with my childhood. My mama would always say, ‘Finish your applesauce Johnny, somewhere in Spain there’s a little boy with no applesauce at all’, or, “Finish your apple cobbler Johnny, somewhere in Latvia there’s a little boy with no apple cobbler at all’, or, ‘Finish your apple casserole Johnny, somewhere in Las Vegas there’s a little boy with no apple casserole at all’, or, ‘Finish your creamed chip beef on apple Johnny, somewhere in Brussels there’s a little boy with no apple at all to put his creamed chipped beef on.’ Oh, I don’t know…….I just worry……I worry all the time.”
The young boy, who had fallen asleep, suddenly woke with a thought.
“Perhaps a wizard can help you”
“Yes, maybe you’re right. Do you know any wizards?”
“No, I don’t”
Johnny turned to the man next to him who was wearing a blue silk robe with silver crescent moons and stars on it. The man had on a pointy hat and his face was covered with a long, flowing gray beard.
“Do you know any wizards?”, asked Johnny.
“”No, I don’t”, replied the man, “but i did invent a time travel machine. We could get inside of it and I could take you to The Land of Talking Beavers That Time Forgot, I think.” And with that, they were off.
WOOSH……….POOF………..CRACKLE………SPLAT!
“I give you these two eager beavers, Ezeekial and Jedidiah”, said the most regal of all kingly beavers. The time machine had worked. “Take them back to your troubled, densely wooded town and they will help you.”
WOOSH…….POOF……..CRACKLE………..SPLAT………..bonus SPLAT!
Johnny Appleseed was home again and he let loose the two eager beavers who chewed down most of the apple trees, freeing the townspeople.
There was a big celebration and everybody liked Johnny again. Right before he left, never to be seen again, the man who was not a wizard said, “Remember Johnny, the key to life is moderation.”
